When me and Princess were broken up, he was horrible to me. Heartless and evil. Disregarding my feelings, everything I had ever done for him, and every struggle I was experiencing. And through it all, I stayed. Not to endure his mistreatment, but to fight for how he used to treat me. And I remember blatantly telling him on numerous occasions he could try to make me feel stupid all he wanted, I knew he was being extreme cause something wasn’t right and he thought pushing me away so hard would make it all easier. In all actuality, with the fluctuation of his moods, was the fluctuation of our time together. We never went more than a week, two weeks tops without seeing one another. Even if it was forced and he was an ass, he’d go without me pulling his arm. He’d go shopping with me, being rude and on his phone the whole time. He’d meet me for breakfast and we’d fight and make it awkward for the waitress. But I continued to fight hard, mostly with myself to persevere, through this ugliness. Because for the first time, I was so sure that state just wasn’t right. It’s a morbid and weird thought, but I had often thought many times if something happened to him when we weren’t “officially” together, what would I do? Would I still be able to grieve the way I deserved to? Would I be judged or criticized? I worried about being ridiculed by his friends, which already happened without the break up. I worried about rumors. I worried about the obliviousness they had as to how much I knew I meant to him, despite the fronts he made. But looking back, I wouldn’t care. The day we decided to get back together for real after many half hearted attempts cause he’s an idiot, I was nervous. It was hard. But that stupid bastard wouldn’t just say it. He had to be the sweetest thing on my absolute worst day and pamper me with sushi, ice cream, my favorite movies, cuddles, and reassurance that I would be ok and he was sorry the day had sucked. And no matter what, I knew he wanted that.
And during times of loss, I often get defensive and awkward. But there is no scale for mourning and no comparison. Of all times, these are not the one’s to make one’s pain greater than another’s. Never. He’ll always be mine to some capacity, no matter what. And I know other’s currently who may feel this way. And he’s still yours, and that doesn’t have to be explained to anyone else. They’ll never know, but more importantly they will never be able to understand. So worrying about them is useless and irrelevant. Love fearlessly but with purpose.